Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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