im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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