I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
