just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
