I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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