don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
