My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
