For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
