I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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