Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
