I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize