someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
