It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
