What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
