The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
