your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
