So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
