Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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