Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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