Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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