Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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