Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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