I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
