My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
