Don't make out with my wife yet
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
