grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
