I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
