he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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