Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
