I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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