I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
