God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just forgot I was standing up.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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