i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
