I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
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