i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I have post one night stand depression
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize