guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
