Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
