I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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