i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
