have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
