whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm too high and old for this...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
