you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
