If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize