Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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