I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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