I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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