Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
