dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
