the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
