life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
