A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
