I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
