so that wasnt chicken after all
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
