Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize