Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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