I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
