By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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