he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
