I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
