i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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