ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize