My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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