Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
