I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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